knitting accomplishmet

the finished product

it's extra warm and snuggly!

and it's my first scarf :)

and here's my second.
x-mas gift for mom!

it's not a surprise!


It has been fun, and yes, very addictive.
Thanks to advice from my friend Steph, i also got some help from knitting help.
I am a knitting machine!
It does feel good to do this, it is a goal you can set which is attainable, and you can see the results. very gratifying!

Tonights Project

This is tonight's "me time" project.
Notice the name of the wine.
Zen of Zin
The Way to Zinlightenment

I'm going to attempt knitting! An easy scarf for the first try.

Today's Accomplishments

Inspired by my sister's I am attempting to step back from the "big picture" and take a look at one accomplishment at a time. Lately I have been overwhelmed and stress and have dealt with those feelings poorly. For example, when the deadlines for a project come up at the same time as an exam in another class, how do i cope? Well, I say screw it all and hop into bed with my laptop watching endless hours of nonsense television.
I have not been taking very good care of myself. This is my coping mechanism? Sit back and do nothing, and see if it doesn't get better. Well we all know this only makes things get worse.
So today (after listening in on a workshop we had with the students on self esteem and self care, and after reading my sisters blog) I decided to make a list. A list of things to do, that I could check off at the end of the day and feel accomplished. Well, I did it all and it's only 8:15pm!

Today's accomplishments include:
1. Work - this includes listening to several girls problems and attempting to find solutions, delivering workshop fliers to 50 students, listening in as my students discuss self esteem and the importance of teaching it to your child, crying as my students read aloud letters they wrote to their children about achieving self esteem, feeling very proud of these intelligent young girls (who i sometimes feel like giving up on)and in awe of their wisdom, and remembering not to give up!
2. Running 4 miles - I have taken a seriously long hiatus from my exercise and had almost completely given up on the idea. Today I stretched and headed outdoors for a 4 mile run. I survived. Even though it started to rain and snow.
3. Making a training schedule for the future (consisting of mile goals and daily runs)
4. Completed a daily forum post for my online class
5. Had dinner with my boyfriend - Thanks for cooking breakfast for dinner!
6. Read and took notes on 1/2 chapter from anatomy and physiology book.
7. Blogging for the first time in over a month!!!

Whew! I'm exhausted. Now can I lay in bed?

missing

It has been almost 3 months since I've blogged. I'm not sure I've got what it takes to be a blogger. Things are so busy and stressful these days... I don't even have time to vent. So here's the thought for today.

Stolen from http://www.overheardinphilly.com/

Thursday, October 9, 2008

How All Male Art Historians Begin

A Dad to his 10 year old son sitting on the stairs in the Museum of Art.

Dad: "What do you want see first?"
Son: "I don't want to see anything."
Dad: "Do you want to see some naked ladies?"

Museum of Art
Overheard by Greenmachine

emotional reactivity

So I don't know if I am just learning this about myself, or if it just now rearing it's ugly head as a barrier in my life. Also it is possible I knew this and tried to forget it. I am told recently that I have quick emotional reactions.
The thing is I don't know what the alternative is. Do I just smile and nod, and let people treat me like dirt, or do I express my true feelings. I know there must be an in between. One thing I do recognize is that I have a tendency to have my feelings written all over my face. My facial expressions can be very dramatic (I am told, as I can't really see them :) and people usually know how I am feeling. I guess I always thought this was a positive thing. Why shouldn't people know how I really feel, who should I fake it. I am easy to read, so this should be a good thing. No one will be guessing. Although these expressions can definitely be misinterpreted. I have been confronted at some point and was definitely not feeling the way a person thought I was. I need to find the balance. I do not want to be void of emotions, or smiling all the time when I am not really feeling happy all the time, but I suppose be more conscious of my feelings could help me deal with them. Also, trying to reevaluate why I have the reaction in the first place. Is it about me, or the other person.
Trying to put this in perspective, but I just don't know how. I don't even know how to talk about it and make any sense.

a nurse

I have made this decision to go back to school. I never thought, after all the debt I incurred with my first undergrad degree that I would go back for yet another bachelors degree. Well, after almost 7 years of exploring the career of social work I have decided it is time for a change.

My first time around with school I did not know why I was going. I knew I wanted a degree, but had no idea what it should be in or what I would want to do "for the rest of my life". Yikes. This idea of doing one thing forever still scares me. So after taking class after class I decided that social work was right for me. It seemed to just fit. I got different feedback on it, one really negative from my boyfriend at the time who said, "Don't you want a more professional career? Something more respectable?" Needless to say we are not together anymore :)
I was naive. I thought that money didn't matter, and that all that was important was doing something you enjoy. Did I actually think I was going to "enjoy" social work? Wow! I guess I thought that as long as I was doing something that mattered in the world. Doing my part, or whatever.

So seven years later, I am looking back. I am grateful for my experiences. My education led me to join the Peace Corps which is something that no one can take away. It also led me to work in a homeless shelter for 2 years, and there I met some amazing friends. And now, it has led me here to working at an inner city high school with pregnant and parenting teenage girls. I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned in each of these places, and there are many. There were so many difficult things about all the jobs I have had. Much of it was how much it takes out of you, with no giving back. Employers have really bled me dry, and continue to do so. The pay is so minimal that I have nothing left for myself at the end of the day.

I have always known I wanted to continue my education, but for the last 5 years I have been trying to figure out exactly what that would mean. While in Washington I applied for an Masters in Social Work program, and thought very seriously about doing it. The more I thought about it though, I just could not justify spending another 40k plus on school, only to come out making about 5k a year more than I am currently making. I am already buried under the debt from my first time around, and as I said, am barely making enough to scrape by.

So, 5 years of trying to figure it out, and I've come to the conclusion that I am going to do another bachelors degree in nursing. I admit, that when I finished high school, this is not something I thought I could achieve or would want to. So much has changed since that time. I have had the opportunity to care for people in very delicate situations (working at the homeless shelter). There was some real gratification in just being able to help someone change a bandage that they couldn't do on their own. Getting someone cleaned up after they had a day out on the streets drinking and panhandling and pissing their pants. Seeing them come out of the shower with fresh new clothes and a smile on their face.
Nursing will be so much more than this, but I know I can do it. I know that some of the things I currently struggle with will continue to be a struggle. It will be difficult not to get wrapped up in peoples lives, and especially difficult not to take that home with me.
Major bonuses to becoming a nurse:
1. getting paid. yes i list this one first, and yes it is a factor now.
2. mobility. i can move to a new state and easily find a job.
3. flexibility. so many different options for working. and such a high need!
4. no monotony. i will not be sitting behind a desk punching numbers. i will often be on my feet moving and it will involve some physical labor!
5. doing my part. i can still help people and feel like i am doing my part for society.

If these aren't enough to convince me, well, I don't know what is. So, I've started the ball rolling. I am taking night classes in order to get in all the pre-requisites for the nursing schools I am looking at. I find that I am enjoying this new challenge. I have always focused on social sciences, and never the "other" sciences. I am learning so much, and enjoy the challenge of being back in school. I should be done with pre-requisites by the end of next spring, and ready for another bachelor's program! The advantage is there are several accelerated programs for the BSN that will only take one year. Wish me luck.

home alone

ok, i don't want to generalize, or use that old "men will be men" excuse. so what excuse can i use?

jovan is in spain. he left on thursday of last week. i dropped him off and said, "call me and let me know you made it ok. if you can't use the phone, drop me an email." well, here we are. it's tuesday and no call. no big deal, you say? i'm sure he's fine and just busy, you say? ah, you know men, they just don't think about that stuff, you say?

meanwhile there are a million thoughts going through my head about what could have possibly happened to him.
1. the whole job was a scam, and he's been kidnapped.
2. the plane crashed and he never made it to spain.
3. he's decided to throw in the towel on america and never come back
4. he's been abducted by aliens

ok, none of these are very likely. but still, how hard is a simple call. so instead i'm making excuses for him.
1. he doesn't have internet access (even though he carried his laptop with him)
2. his phone doesn't work in spain
3. he's so busy training for his new job he hasn't had time to call.
4. he doesn't have money for a phone card.
5. he just doesn't know how much this kills me (despite the fact that we've been together over 3 years!)


if the situation were reversed it would have only taken me a second to figure out how to contact him and let him know i was ok. so why has this thought not crossed his mind? "because men just don't think about those things."

i'm not buying it.

just say no thanks

Well Jovan and I have been given a car. His cousin offered it to us casually over Christmas dinner. He thought since we didn't have one, we might want his old car. He is no longer using it and, "it only needs a little work." Originally we were going to pay a couple hundred for it, but the family gave it to us for free which was very generous.

We discovered quickly that though there is freedom with having your own wheels, there is also a lot of freedom in not having a vehicle. I haven't owned a car since I left for Malawi in 2001. I have been using public transportation and riding my bicycle, which is fun, and miserable at times. So how does the car tie you down. Well, before we got the car we invested some money in transferring the title and getting the registration taken care of. Don't even get me started on how difficult it is to figure this system out. We had to wait a couple of weeks before we could make the trip to New Jersey to pick up the car. We knew it would need a new muffler. Big deal right? I mean we should invest a little money in it. After all, it's a free car.

We discovered within hours that one of the tires needed a new rim. We eventually discovered this was no easy task. We had to drive home on a donut. No biggie, we will just drive slow and avoid highways. Yeah right. We were about 40 minutes into the trip when the check engine light came on and smoke started to billow from the hood. We pulled over only to discover a huge hole in one of the hoses. Which hose you might ask? Well don't ask, cause I haven't the slightest clue, and neither does Jovan. Either way we did not want to drive any further until we knew. Someone at the filling station told us we just needed to cut the hose down and tie it off. Another suggestion, duct tape. Ha! We called Jovan's dad and he came to the rescue. Fixed the hose temporarily and his dad followed us all the way home to make sure we made it safely.

The next day after work we were going to the junk yard in search of a rim and tire. Smoke billowed out of the back side this time and the engine was doing some serious knocking. The check engine light then began blinking furiously at me. This made me nervous and I decided we should just drop the car off at the nearest mechanic and figure out what it needs. We told the guy to let us know what we would need to do to pass inspection. One days wait and we got the call. "If you want to use this car, it needs $1900 worth of repair work done on it." WTF! If we just want to get it to pass inspection, $900. Uh, we'll just take the car thanks.

Now what? I haven't a clue. We are clearly not going to spend $900 on this car. Did I mention it's a Daewoo Lanos. Ever heard of it? Me neither. Did I also mention that when I told the mechanic what kind of car we had he apologized to us? Yeah. Then he took our $60 bucks, and gave us a list of needed repairs. So, do we buy the rim and take it to another inspector. The inspection will cost another $60, so if it fails.. well, you get the picture.

So the real question is... Car ownership, is it worth it?

Disclaimer: I have to end this by saying I do not want to sound ungrateful. Giving someone a car is very generous, and I greatly appreciate that generosity.

self evident

Alice Walker: Not with a bang. But with a whimper.

She says it all.

election burnout

I'm exhausted. I don't even know where to start. I listen to NPR or other news daily and it's all about the elections. It no longer leaves me feeling excited about opportunities to come or thinking about the possibility of change. I really just feel completely burnt out. I don't think anyone is saying anything new or different, and I don't believe extreme changes that are necessary are going to be possible under this two party corporate owned system.

It's so blatant the effect media has on the process. They flat out lie, or ignore important candidates and repeat the names of "leading" candidates until we are all brainwashed to believe they are the only choices. I was appalled when I watched some of the Republican debates to see that Ron Paul was smirked and sneered at by candidates and completely ignored by the moderator. He is the only one who has said anything different, while everyone else is busy arguing about who is the more "liberal conservative." What a bunch of shit! CNN will say there are only two Republican candidates left. Ron Paul is still in the race however, and interestingly has received more money from the troops than any other candidate. I admit that I do not support all of his policies, but boy would he stir things up in the white house!

How do I stay positive when I know the last two presidential elections there have been questions about who's vote is being counted. Long lines for poor black communities and the whole paperless ballot brings out so many new issues. How do I know that my vote is not being altered? And even if it isn't we know (since the 2000 election) that popular vote doesn't matter anyways. It's all about delegates, superdelegates and electoral colleges. We individuals hold no power. And the candidates are puppets to the corporations, so really, where do we even begin?

I still don't know. Nader is running again, which I am happy to hear. I know there will be many who say he is stealing votes from the leading democrat, but really, aren't they stealing his votes?

It is completely overwhelming and easy to see how some people take the "I don't get involved in politics" stance. I couldn't stay out of it, and it is clearly not going to provoke changes to be uninformed, but the more informed I get the harder it is to believe in our system and our government.

a tribute of sorts

I'm joining the masses. This is really not going to be for everyone however. Mostly for me, and then a few selected lucky ones :)

I'm not starting this blog because I'm becoming a mommy or have any huge inspirational things to share. Mostly I'm looking for another outlet. Sometimes I feel like I complain about the same things over and over again. Maybe if I put them into words I can separate these issues from my insides. Like if I'm looking at them on paper (or on the computer in this case) I can see them as something separate from myself.

So I'm not a profound writer like my sister. I admit I am completely jealous of her ability to put her thoughts and feelings into words. It's okay to be jealous. I cannot run around pretending not to be. It seems so silly to not be up front about your feelings or to try to deny them. So I will own my jealousy but I won't let it consume me.

My sister inspires me. She always has. From the beginning when I wasn't sure about college and she assured me that I could do it. She helped me with the overwhelming financial aide forms and the application process. When I doubted my ability to attend a university she was the one to tell me that she believed in me. I was so lucky to have her by my side during those years. They were some of the best years of my life. The college experience was not a typical one. I was surrounded by women of all ages. It was not the "party years" that some people have. It was a very empowering experience however. I learned so much about women's abilities and felt so empowered being surrounded by strong minded individuals. But I am diverging from my original thought.

My sister inspires me. When I decided I wanted to join the Peace Corps she helped me through that. "Do you really think I can do it Stacey?" "Of course you can do it." she would say. Sometimes that's all I needed, a little reassurance. She says the same thing to me know when I ask if I will be able to handle nursing school. (god i hope you are right Stacey).
We were so close in college. It was really difficult to leave her and her daughter when I went to Malawi. We had become joined at the hip, and I didn't know if I could do it without her. I survived, and we have managed to morph our relationship into something new. Something less codependent. I know I can pick up the phone and tell her anything. I just wish she would answer more often!

So I'm going to keep it short for now. I was originally planning to rant about my job, or my frustrations with this city, but I think I will save that for another time. For some reason I was directed to say a big thanks to my sister. I guess because when I started writing I was thinking of her.

the inspiration

I have chosen a sort of nomadic life. Since my return from the Peace Corps in 2004 I have lived in 3 different states. In each one I learn something new about myself and about people. Each place has it's own culture. So the inspiration for my blog title is one of my favorite songs by Ani Difranco.

"Every State Line"

I got pulled over in west Texas
so they could look inside my car
he said are you an american citizen
I said
yes sir
so far
they made sure I wasn't smuggling
someone in from Mexico
someone willing to settle for america
'cause there's nowhere else to go

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

I broke down in Louisiana
and I had to thumb a ride
got in the first car that pulled over
you can't be picky in the middle of the night
he said
baby, do you like to fool around
baby, do you like to be touched
I said
maybe some other time
fuck you very much

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

I'm in the middle of alabama
they stare at me where ever I go
I don't think they like my haircut
I don't think they like my clothes
I can't wait to get back to New York City
where at least when I walk down the street
nobody ever hesitates
to tell me exactly what they think of me

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

a little town in pennsylvania
there was snow on the ground
a parked in an empty lot
where there was no one else around
but I guess I was taking up too much space
as I was trying to get some sleep
'cause an officer came by anyway
and told me I had to leave

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back