home alone

ok, i don't want to generalize, or use that old "men will be men" excuse. so what excuse can i use?

jovan is in spain. he left on thursday of last week. i dropped him off and said, "call me and let me know you made it ok. if you can't use the phone, drop me an email." well, here we are. it's tuesday and no call. no big deal, you say? i'm sure he's fine and just busy, you say? ah, you know men, they just don't think about that stuff, you say?

meanwhile there are a million thoughts going through my head about what could have possibly happened to him.
1. the whole job was a scam, and he's been kidnapped.
2. the plane crashed and he never made it to spain.
3. he's decided to throw in the towel on america and never come back
4. he's been abducted by aliens

ok, none of these are very likely. but still, how hard is a simple call. so instead i'm making excuses for him.
1. he doesn't have internet access (even though he carried his laptop with him)
2. his phone doesn't work in spain
3. he's so busy training for his new job he hasn't had time to call.
4. he doesn't have money for a phone card.
5. he just doesn't know how much this kills me (despite the fact that we've been together over 3 years!)


if the situation were reversed it would have only taken me a second to figure out how to contact him and let him know i was ok. so why has this thought not crossed his mind? "because men just don't think about those things."

i'm not buying it.

just say no thanks

Well Jovan and I have been given a car. His cousin offered it to us casually over Christmas dinner. He thought since we didn't have one, we might want his old car. He is no longer using it and, "it only needs a little work." Originally we were going to pay a couple hundred for it, but the family gave it to us for free which was very generous.

We discovered quickly that though there is freedom with having your own wheels, there is also a lot of freedom in not having a vehicle. I haven't owned a car since I left for Malawi in 2001. I have been using public transportation and riding my bicycle, which is fun, and miserable at times. So how does the car tie you down. Well, before we got the car we invested some money in transferring the title and getting the registration taken care of. Don't even get me started on how difficult it is to figure this system out. We had to wait a couple of weeks before we could make the trip to New Jersey to pick up the car. We knew it would need a new muffler. Big deal right? I mean we should invest a little money in it. After all, it's a free car.

We discovered within hours that one of the tires needed a new rim. We eventually discovered this was no easy task. We had to drive home on a donut. No biggie, we will just drive slow and avoid highways. Yeah right. We were about 40 minutes into the trip when the check engine light came on and smoke started to billow from the hood. We pulled over only to discover a huge hole in one of the hoses. Which hose you might ask? Well don't ask, cause I haven't the slightest clue, and neither does Jovan. Either way we did not want to drive any further until we knew. Someone at the filling station told us we just needed to cut the hose down and tie it off. Another suggestion, duct tape. Ha! We called Jovan's dad and he came to the rescue. Fixed the hose temporarily and his dad followed us all the way home to make sure we made it safely.

The next day after work we were going to the junk yard in search of a rim and tire. Smoke billowed out of the back side this time and the engine was doing some serious knocking. The check engine light then began blinking furiously at me. This made me nervous and I decided we should just drop the car off at the nearest mechanic and figure out what it needs. We told the guy to let us know what we would need to do to pass inspection. One days wait and we got the call. "If you want to use this car, it needs $1900 worth of repair work done on it." WTF! If we just want to get it to pass inspection, $900. Uh, we'll just take the car thanks.

Now what? I haven't a clue. We are clearly not going to spend $900 on this car. Did I mention it's a Daewoo Lanos. Ever heard of it? Me neither. Did I also mention that when I told the mechanic what kind of car we had he apologized to us? Yeah. Then he took our $60 bucks, and gave us a list of needed repairs. So, do we buy the rim and take it to another inspector. The inspection will cost another $60, so if it fails.. well, you get the picture.

So the real question is... Car ownership, is it worth it?

Disclaimer: I have to end this by saying I do not want to sound ungrateful. Giving someone a car is very generous, and I greatly appreciate that generosity.

self evident

Alice Walker: Not with a bang. But with a whimper.

She says it all.

election burnout

I'm exhausted. I don't even know where to start. I listen to NPR or other news daily and it's all about the elections. It no longer leaves me feeling excited about opportunities to come or thinking about the possibility of change. I really just feel completely burnt out. I don't think anyone is saying anything new or different, and I don't believe extreme changes that are necessary are going to be possible under this two party corporate owned system.

It's so blatant the effect media has on the process. They flat out lie, or ignore important candidates and repeat the names of "leading" candidates until we are all brainwashed to believe they are the only choices. I was appalled when I watched some of the Republican debates to see that Ron Paul was smirked and sneered at by candidates and completely ignored by the moderator. He is the only one who has said anything different, while everyone else is busy arguing about who is the more "liberal conservative." What a bunch of shit! CNN will say there are only two Republican candidates left. Ron Paul is still in the race however, and interestingly has received more money from the troops than any other candidate. I admit that I do not support all of his policies, but boy would he stir things up in the white house!

How do I stay positive when I know the last two presidential elections there have been questions about who's vote is being counted. Long lines for poor black communities and the whole paperless ballot brings out so many new issues. How do I know that my vote is not being altered? And even if it isn't we know (since the 2000 election) that popular vote doesn't matter anyways. It's all about delegates, superdelegates and electoral colleges. We individuals hold no power. And the candidates are puppets to the corporations, so really, where do we even begin?

I still don't know. Nader is running again, which I am happy to hear. I know there will be many who say he is stealing votes from the leading democrat, but really, aren't they stealing his votes?

It is completely overwhelming and easy to see how some people take the "I don't get involved in politics" stance. I couldn't stay out of it, and it is clearly not going to provoke changes to be uninformed, but the more informed I get the harder it is to believe in our system and our government.

a tribute of sorts

I'm joining the masses. This is really not going to be for everyone however. Mostly for me, and then a few selected lucky ones :)

I'm not starting this blog because I'm becoming a mommy or have any huge inspirational things to share. Mostly I'm looking for another outlet. Sometimes I feel like I complain about the same things over and over again. Maybe if I put them into words I can separate these issues from my insides. Like if I'm looking at them on paper (or on the computer in this case) I can see them as something separate from myself.

So I'm not a profound writer like my sister. I admit I am completely jealous of her ability to put her thoughts and feelings into words. It's okay to be jealous. I cannot run around pretending not to be. It seems so silly to not be up front about your feelings or to try to deny them. So I will own my jealousy but I won't let it consume me.

My sister inspires me. She always has. From the beginning when I wasn't sure about college and she assured me that I could do it. She helped me with the overwhelming financial aide forms and the application process. When I doubted my ability to attend a university she was the one to tell me that she believed in me. I was so lucky to have her by my side during those years. They were some of the best years of my life. The college experience was not a typical one. I was surrounded by women of all ages. It was not the "party years" that some people have. It was a very empowering experience however. I learned so much about women's abilities and felt so empowered being surrounded by strong minded individuals. But I am diverging from my original thought.

My sister inspires me. When I decided I wanted to join the Peace Corps she helped me through that. "Do you really think I can do it Stacey?" "Of course you can do it." she would say. Sometimes that's all I needed, a little reassurance. She says the same thing to me know when I ask if I will be able to handle nursing school. (god i hope you are right Stacey).
We were so close in college. It was really difficult to leave her and her daughter when I went to Malawi. We had become joined at the hip, and I didn't know if I could do it without her. I survived, and we have managed to morph our relationship into something new. Something less codependent. I know I can pick up the phone and tell her anything. I just wish she would answer more often!

So I'm going to keep it short for now. I was originally planning to rant about my job, or my frustrations with this city, but I think I will save that for another time. For some reason I was directed to say a big thanks to my sister. I guess because when I started writing I was thinking of her.

the inspiration

I have chosen a sort of nomadic life. Since my return from the Peace Corps in 2004 I have lived in 3 different states. In each one I learn something new about myself and about people. Each place has it's own culture. So the inspiration for my blog title is one of my favorite songs by Ani Difranco.

"Every State Line"

I got pulled over in west Texas
so they could look inside my car
he said are you an american citizen
I said
yes sir
so far
they made sure I wasn't smuggling
someone in from Mexico
someone willing to settle for america
'cause there's nowhere else to go

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

I broke down in Louisiana
and I had to thumb a ride
got in the first car that pulled over
you can't be picky in the middle of the night
he said
baby, do you like to fool around
baby, do you like to be touched
I said
maybe some other time
fuck you very much

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

I'm in the middle of alabama
they stare at me where ever I go
I don't think they like my haircut
I don't think they like my clothes
I can't wait to get back to New York City
where at least when I walk down the street
nobody ever hesitates
to tell me exactly what they think of me

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back

a little town in pennsylvania
there was snow on the ground
a parked in an empty lot
where there was no one else around
but I guess I was taking up too much space
as I was trying to get some sleep
'cause an officer came by anyway
and told me I had to leave

and every state line
there's a new set of laws
and every police man
comes equipped with extended claws
there's a thousand shades of white
and a thousand shades of black
but the same rule always applies
smile pretty, and watch your back